darlene's Blog

Seems I have been avoiding my computer for some strange reason.  I was in a bad depression then I ended up in the hospital for 8 days with a blood clot in my lung and when I got out I didn't seem to have any motivation.

Good news is the depression has lifted...a brush with death will do that, I guess.  So, now I am trying to get caught up with everything. 

I want to apologize if any of my friends have felt ignored.  That was not my intention.  I will reconnect as soon as I can.  Please bear with me :-)

My virtural pet brandy was sent back to the EP shelter.  I thought I would cry.  How pathetic.  I can't even take care of a virtual pet properly.  I would get so wrapped up in conversations, I forgot about the little bugger.  What does that say about me? 

I'm an intelligent woman.  But I get myself involved in hopeless situations.  I am upset right now because my married boyfriend is upset that his wife wants him to leave.  It really hits home about how he feels about me. 

I always said it didn't matter, but apparently it does.  I wish that I could fill the void in his life but apparently I can't.  I have be kidding myself for 3 years.  I don't talk about it much because it's a little shameful secret.  Yes, I do have some stories on here about it, but nothing close to the feeling that this has.  I just left him, trying to comfort him and he can't be comforted and I feel like shit.  I know he knows he made me feel that way because he's called me twice since I left him.  But, I don't need his feeling guilty right now about making me feel bad. 

I am so tired of this shit.  A dear friend of mine said he is like bad dope and I am beginning to believe it.  I know it's bad for me but I am addicted. 

I just want to be someones everything and I have settled for less my whole life.  Do I deserve this?  I must think somewhere deep down that I'm not worth it.  The men in my life have made me feel like that a long time.  I tired of settling for something because I can't have everything.  Maybe I am better off alone.  At least then I know what to expect and I won't have to hurt at the hands of someone else.

My emotions are all over the place, lately.  I can't handle it.  I thought it was better to feel than not to feel at all but I think I was wrong. 

I want to get comfortably numb.  But what would that solve? 

I found these in a magazine years ago and I thought I would share them.

To experience the earth:  Practice barefoot.  Do yoga on the grass; sense it's coolness against your feet and palms.  Imagine that the centers of your feet are over an energy spout-draw the energy up from the earth's core, then let it flow out through the top of your head.

To experience water:  Practice near a body of water-the ocean, a lake, or a swimming pool.  Find a waterfall or fountain.  Try practicing in the morning or evening to feel ans see the dew on the grass and leaves.  Practice in the rain.

To experience the wind:  Choose a spot on higher ground, or in a clearing.  Become aware of the air around you, its subtle movement over your skin.  Feel the air with all your senses-smell it, taste it, touch it and, hear it.  Imagine you are the wind and can move effortlessly.

To experience fire:  Feel the sun's warmth on your body.  Bathe in cool moonlight and starlight, which are reflected from the sun.  Watch for fireflies after sundown.  Practice by candlelight.

Well, it has been 2 hours and thirty-four minutes since I puffed on a cigarette.  Even though I'm glad I decided to quit and I don't really have a physical craving--yet, I have a mental craving.  It's strange.  I want one but I don't.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow after I wake up when usually the first thing I do is smoke.  If I can get through that okay, I think I'll make it!

I have been in a pretty good mood for the last couple days, despite being sick.

I have been looking forward to the new year. I think I will get a lot accomplished. I will graduate from school with honors, I will finally get some debt paid off, I am already making changes that will benefit my health. I have been watching what I eat and thinking about how it will affect my health. I've been taking my meds on time everyday. And at the stroke of midnight I plan to quit smoking. I am looking forward to a healthier 2009.

I also plan to meet a friend I met here on EP. He was very prolific with over 1000 experiences and stories to go with them. Little did I know that one little comment on a story would turn into a friendship that has lasted for over a year. Between email and phone calls he has let me into his life and has been there for me when I laughed and cried. Has made me stop and think before I did anything stupid. I'm sorry to say he has recently left EP and probably won't ever read this but he has become a guiding force in my life. I have no idea what the future holds. I am glad he is in my life, though and can't imagine a day without a note or call from him.

With all that said I am feeling a little sad at the moment. I'm not sure why. With all I have to look forward to it seems silly. Maybe it just the notion that something is ending. Not that it was that great to begin with. But it was a begining in me finding myself. I'm not sure if I got it all down pat and perfect but I feel for the first time like a grown-up. It took me a long time to put the wrecked pieces of my life together but I think I am starting to be able to see the final picture.

Certainly, I still feel scared and emotionally vulnerable but I'm not quite as lost. I am hoping 2009 is the best year yet for me and for all my friends.

Thanks to everyone here who has listened and encouraged me over this past year. I hope I have done the same for some of you.

All my best ~dar xoxo

I am a ghost. 

I appear but no one sees.

I speak and no one hears.

I try to voice an opinion...no one cares.

I speak louder to be heard, why am I shouting?

I speak more authoritative so people will listen to my opinion, why am I such a bitch?

I hurt but no one notices my pain.

I cry, people may wonder why, but they really don't care.

If they do ask what is wrong, they do it to be polite, they really don't listen or understand.

It makes me feel worse, so don't bother.

I learned to be a loner.

To deal with my pain myself, my way.

I fucked it up.

In their eyes, I am a fuck up.

But they don't see how hard I try.

How much I've turned it around.

How I got up when I couldn't.

So, why should I talk?

Why should I cry?

Why should I be?

At first I was repelled by your frosty shell, but

What I saw on the outside wasn't the sum of the whole

When I thought you might leave, I mustered the courage from my soul...

To send you a note that I figured would go ignored

So, what did I have to lose?

Little did I know how it would make you choose

I was bewildered and surprised...

What was it that I said

That flipped that switch inside of your head?

I was scared that I wouldn't be good enough

Or have the right stuff

To keep you liking me...

But, you showed me how my first impression was so wrong

What I had failed to see...

You were just you and I was just me

You still shock me with your friendship and kindness

All this pain I had felt before caused this blindness?

I see the light is bright through your eyes

I hear the song's sweet melody through your ears

Everything was dim and dark til you made me see

Everything was muddled til you made me hear

The fear I hide inside seems to melt away

When you tell me it is OK

The confusion in my mind seems to unwind

I can breathe at ease knowing I don't have to try so hard to please

You make me feel that it is OK to be me

My friend, my Muse, should I doubt your words?

In the end, I know I can't, you see

Because, I know my words are true for you

I need to believe yours are the same for me

                                                               ~darlene

When I told my mom tonight I had been to the ER and diagnosed with acute bronchitis she asked if they gave me a shot of penicillin.  I told her I'm allergic to penicillin!  You would think my own mother would know this!  I told her she better remember in case I'm passed out someday.

Here I sit, at a strange computer (not at home), and I look up and see a little fly on my screen.  I pick up a piece of paper and I squashed him.  Now, I have the corpse and the guts on my screen.  I am too lazy to get up to get a tissue or something.  Yuck. 

I work in an office on the fourth floor of a building in the city.  I sometimes look out that window and think of jumping.  Then I look down and wonder if it is high enough to kill me. 

I always wanted to fly.  I thought if there was one last thing I wanted to do before I die was to feel like I was floating and free.

I guess I need to find a higher building. 

And before anyone gets worried, I'm not suicidal at the moment, but I do think about these things. 

My mantra, my madness...

My depression, my sadness...

My hurt, my ache...

My head is numb, am I awake?

Just when I find something to like...

My mind tells me it isn't right...

Out of the starkness, into the darkness...

I must have really fucked up to deserve this plight...

I live one more day to dread...

One more day to live inside my head...

A place where no one wants to be...

No, not even me.

I hate shopping, so it has been awhile since I bought new shoes.  I have one pair of sandals that are still decent to wear in public.  They are half shoe, half sandal.  The part that comes up the back of my foot, rubs on it.  Not a lot but enough to be annoying. After being in them all day the back of my feet hurt. 

It's like somone who pokes you over and over in the same spot.  It doesn't really hurt but after 500 times it does get pretty sore. 

I need new shoes.

Have you ever felt like your insides were weeping?  The feeling of emptiness, profound sadness, severe hurt or heartache?  The tears don't rise to the surface.  They hide inside streaming down your gut like acid.

I can feel the heaviness it causes in my chest, as it heaves wanting release from this pain.  Why, oh, why can't I cry? 

I can't breathe, is it possible for a soul to die while the body still lives? 

I need to hide.  I feel like running but where do I go to hide from this sorrow?  Why doesn't sorrow run?  Why can't sorrow hide?  Joy seems to have no trouble finding away to hide away for days, weeks, months at a time.

If you can't have love and joy without having known sadness and sorrow, haven't I suffered enough for a life time that I can look forward to tomorrow? 

 I see tomorrow only with blinded eyes, with my senses numb, my soul battered and bruised.  Will I even know the joy when it comes?

They say beauty is skin deep.  If this is true, I will never be beautiful.  Was I ever?  I guess that is in the eye of the beholder.

I will never have the long, curly, flowing hair, lustrous, like it was in my youth.  I will never have the flawless skin I once had, now marred with scars of accidents past and the smoothness now being replaced by small but noticeable wrinkles.  It even likes to play jokes with me and give me the occasional zit I managed to avoid in my teenage years.

The skin on my body is no longer tight & taut.  It sags & bags here & there.  I have dimples and crevices.  The scars of time, possibly self-induced.

The tricks time has played upon me do not make me like what I see in the mirror. I'm not sure what other people see, but it is not the real me.  The real me hides inside.

I love, I care, I share myself.  I sympathize, empathize and am kind.  I am intelligent and know right from wrong.  I have loads of good common sense.

What is this worth to someone seeing me for the first time?  Will they stick around to love me for my heart?  My soul?  Can my physical flaws be overlooked and the inside shine outward so I could become beautiful to someone?  Be someone's everything?

I came out of a depressive state several weeks ago after months of being in a dark void.  I had a small set back the last couple days & I was scared to death I was sinking.  The fear the depression gives me is overwhelming. 

I went to see my counselor today and I got to thinking about it. He says I choose not to do things that make me happy.  That for some reason I deny myself happiness because I feel I don't deserve it.  The big question is why? 

Why shouldn't I be worthy of happiness?  Past events shouldn't be a factor in allowing myself to feel joy.  Then, I get this fear that maybe I am incapable of feeling joy. Have I ever felt it?  Can it be learned?  Do I intentionally block it?  Why would anyone in their right mind deprive themselves of joy?  Does that mean I am not in my right mind?  

So many questions & no answers.  Will the answers come to me?  Are the answers inside myself?  Can someone else provide them?  And, if they do, will I become dependent on that person for my happiness?   

Right now I feel good.  Not depressed like the last 24hrs.  Does that make me happy?  Can someone define happiness for me?  Can depression be defeated?  Is it a bad habit?  Will the answers to any of these questions really matter?  I don't know.